Karoons

Word...

...to your mother.

I'm still here. Just embroiled in a never-ending battle with Typepad who are certain I'm not paying my monthly fee, while my credit card company insists that I am. It is annoying, not to mention boring now it's happened 2 months in a row. Anyway, since I seem to be able to post today, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

There is a long held new year tradition of the Senior Triangle but I can't be bothered to explain it. Instead I shall lazily copy and paste a a post from January 2006 that sums it up nicely. In my defense I only slept till midday today and then exhausted myself by walking to Star bucks to drink lattes and read a book. Poor me.

This weekend is Chinese New Year and so starts 'The Year of the Dog'. Two of my best friends and I have adopted the tradition of declaring each year to be whatever we want it to be. A kind of new year’s resolution where you start new habits instead of breaking old ones. Last year saw 'The Year of Snoggage' and 'The Year of Intellectualism'. I decided to concentrate on a far more important aspect of my life. I'm not very good at being a girl.

In certain respects I display typical girl behaviour. I have no sense of direction, love cocktails, believe Seth Cohen to be the definition of the perfect man and delight in discussing the intricacies of penis size. In other areas of girlieness I fail miserably. My make up bag consists of only 2 self-bought items, the rest being donated by women who shriek in horror at the sight of no.17 cosmetics circa 1994. I don’t get the Brad Pitt thing, I cant stand Purple Ronnie Cards and despite many attempts, am unable to master the fine art of walking in heels.

So in an effort to rectify this, my 2005 was designated 'The Year of High Heels'. It didn't go to plan. By New Years Eve the only non-flat shoes I'd acquired were a pair of kitten heels and a pair of wedge boots. This year is 'The Year of Accessories'. My friends are having 'A Year of being Bold' and 'A Year of Mini-Adventures', which makes me feel more than a little materialistic. But you see what I've done there? I have managed to engineer that for two consecutive years I can buy as many pairs of shoes as I like. This goes totally against my socialist sensibilities, but then every heroine has to have a fatal flaw. I promise to deprive myself of other luxuries to compensate, I just haven't figured out what they'll be yet.

I've started off the year by buying some necklaces, earrings etc. (accessories is an all encompassing word you know). The trouble is that whenever I put on jewelery I feel like I'm dressing up as my Nan. I just don’t feel comfortable in it. As aversion therapy I've taken to walking round the house at night wearing as much of it as possible, like some kind of bedtime BA Baracus. Not quite the glamorous girly look I was after but small steps people, small steps.

As I recall The Year of Accessories was quite a success. I now have a decent collection of trinkets, although I still can't stand wearing necklaces and my tastes run more to Accessorize than Tiffany's. My make-up bag is less of a horror show and I own at least 3 pairs of heels. Oooooooo get me, a veritable flounce of femininity. A trawl through the blog archives reveals no mention of what the years 2007 or 2008 were deemed and since I can't remember them we can assume they weren't a resounding triumph.

2009 has been officially designated (drum roll please) The Year of Immunity and Decisiveness. Immunity because I am sick of getting ill and am determined to ward off the germs that the small people I work with persist in wiping all over me. This will be done by cutting out caffeine and sugar and adding in 7 hours of sleep, eating proper dinners and taking echinacea. So far I've remembered to take the echinacea once and last night I had cereal for tea. Did I mention the resolutions start in February this year?

The decisiveness is because I am the kind of person who when in a restaurant, takes longer to decide what to order than to eat. When I ask the waiter to take your order first it is not because I have impeccable manners, it is because there is a frantic battle going on my head as to whether to order to sea bass or the beef carpaccio. When the waiter finally gets to me I will inexplicably blurt out toad in the hole, despite sausages making me want to hurl, and will then spend the reminder of the meal staring enviously at your plate and cursing my inability to choose. This year there will be none of that because my dithering days are done. The big decision that needs to be made in the next few months is whether I stay in Hull for the good of my career or move to London for the good of my social life. More on that another time.

The other points of the Senior Triangle have settled on The Year of Mixing it Up (which is code for something much funnier but I won't risk my neck by disclosing it here) and The Year of Sorting Things Out.

Hope your resolutions are going to plan, even though, if I may say so, you're being a little predictable starting them in January. Everyone knows the cool kids are always late to the party. And that January demands copious amounts of chocolate, coffee and alcohol before it will let you into February alive.

10 January 2009 | Permalink | Comments (2)

I want to stand on Kofi Annan's face

My friends are ace! Recently two of them went to New York without me (okay not that ace) and today I received this postcard.

Kofi

It says.

Dearest Kay,

I saw this card and thought of you. I am in the UN building. I have not yet seen Kofi in the flesh but I've seen a lovely carpet with his face on it. It was beautiful. I've not yet seen the new Secretary General, but I've seen a carpet of his face too. It was nice. But not as nice as Kofi's.
Wish you were here!

Lauren xxx

It made me laugh. A lot.

They say they have got me the best souvenir ever. Fingers crossed I'll soon be the proud recipient of a limited edition Kofi Annan duvet cover. Nothing keeps you warm on a winter's night like the giant face of former Secretary General of the UN.

26 November 2008 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Johnny 5 is alive

I dragged myself to work this morning only to be sent back home before 8am. I was told I looked pale and sickly and that nobody wanted my germs anyway so I should just go home. And so here I am, once again, basking in the dubious delights of daytime TV. Except this time I am not sick enough to ignore its awfulness.  A few minutes ago Phil and some woman who wasn't even Fern oohed and arred as every single black dress available on the high street was paraded down a wobbly make-shift catwalk. As I type the ladies on Loose Women are eating scorpion ice-cream and caramelised tarantula. At least with this there is the possibility of some sort of deadly allergic reaction to mix things up a bit.

It is very strange to be working somewhere where the boss genuinely seems to care about the health of his staff. I am used to being expected to turn up even if my arm is hanging off. Or even worse, working for minimum wage with no sick pay so that not turning up wasn't an option. Today I am feeling very lucky.

A weird side-effect of this bug seems to be a heightened sense of smell. The first 2 days I couldn't even stand to think about food, never mind smell it. Today my whole flat stinks of the garlic that Liam Theroux put in his bolognese last night and the smell of the cheese in the fridge is overwhelming. Please don't get me started on how the stench of damp commuter made me feel on the bus this morning.

Right it's time for me to go and commit myself to an afternoon of Neighbours watching. Just so you know, Coleen Nolan made it through the extreme tasting session alive. Sorry about that.

25 November 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ouch


So Liam Theroux and I split up last weekend. We finally acknowledged that things haven't been right since we moved into together and that we are much better of as just good friends.

It is all very sad, but also very grown-up and civilised.

I now have to find somewhere else to live - a mere 4 months after looking last time. Can you say ball ache? I'm thinking that maybe I'll try and find a 1 bedroomed place and attempt to live like a proper grown-up; If living like a grown-up involves walking around in my pants and eating toast for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

In other news, I am off work AGAIN with a tummy bug. This time not courtesy of the little germ factories at school but my own sister. Luckily she's earned automatic forgiveness from all those times she let me boss her about when we were kids. It only took 20 years to pay off.

24 November 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Rediscovering something beautiful

The Decemberists. A band that make your heart ache.

11 November 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0)

A one-sided converstion with a 'nice lad'

On Saturday night I went to a bonfire party. There was a bonfire (obviously) and fireworks. There was chili and fruit cobbler. There were sparklers, copious amounts of vodka, good conversation and, bizarrely, a Hungarian wedding video.

At the end of the night I got a taxi home with a man and his girlfriend, neither of whom I had met before the party. They just happened to be going in the same direction as me and offered to take me along. He was that particular brand of northern man. The type with oodles of confidence, a swagger and a mouth that never stops moving. Below are the edited highlights of his non-stop chatter.

Upon passing a police car:
"That's me usual lift home."

After getting out of the taxi to try and buy cigarettes at a 24 hour corner shop:
"That security guard slapped me in the face. If that'd been in town I would've twatted him."

Five minutes later:
"I'm a lover not a fighter."

Five minutes later still:
"I was a wrongun' in me youth. I used to get into to fights when I saw men beating on lasses. You never hit a lass. Fuckin' cowards they are. You never hit a lass. I've only done it once like. She'd been brayin' on me for 2 hours."

One minute later:
"I'm a nice lad."

After striding in the middle of the road front of a moving vehicle:
"Alright man. Can't you see I'm walking. Think you fucking own the road. Arrogant twat."

To his girlfriend:
"Don't look at me like that. You know I'm a nice lad. I'm a nice lad."


10 November 2008 | Permalink | Comments (2)

An offer you can easily refuse - but please don't. I have enough crap in my flat.

Do you remember the great Clor giveaway of March 2006? Not on this blog, on the one I had before.

No? Ah well. Basically I bought CD by Clor, a band that I'd never really heard of, realised it was crap and offered it up to the gods of the swapsy. In the end I swapped it with a guy for a video of Spice World and copy of Jeremy Clarkson's biography (Yes, the CD was that bad). I say swapped - I think finally posted it 6 months after he made the initial offer and I have no recollection if receiving anything in return. But the spirit of the swapsy was there somewhere.

Well, this time I've bought a CD but haven't had enough time yet to decide whether it's crap or not. Actually, I've bought 2. Of the same CD. I do not know how this has happened. It could quite possibly be a mix up at amazon, or more likely just a result of my ever-increasing stupidity. Anyway, I can't figure out how to return either of them so it's you're lucky day. Make me an offer for a swap and you could be the lucky owner of my spare copy of Friendly Fires by Friendly Fires.

They might be the worst band ever but they could also be the thing that changes the face of modern music forever...ummm yeah.

Either way - could you stand to be the reason that this band's hard-earned debut gets tossed into the bargain bin at Help the Aged? Come on, you know the grannies just won't appreciate this man's wiggly-hipped dancing the way you do. Look at him go!


28 October 2008 | Permalink | Comments (3)

How I ensure my Saturday nights go with a bang

1. First I buy new pair of white ballet pumps from Payless shoes and deliberately dribble blood red nail polish over the toes.


Wino shoes


2. Next I make myself look as hideous as possible. This is most easlily achieved by putting a pair of tights on my head, slathering on eye make-up and drawing fake scratches on my chest. If it's a really big night I adopt a permanent look of resigned despair (which has the added bonus of illustrating how much I would benefit from a little botox).

Wig cap


3. After that I pull on my "Rehab" wig (get yours for £9.99 from any reputable wig seller) and take one of those annoying self-portrait pictures at arms length.

Wino2


4. Finally, I make my boyfriend dress as jailed, drug-addled, loser (stupid hat mandatory) and we hit the town.

Wino disguise

25 October 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0)

See, taking things literally can be a good thing

Somewhere between the primary school shuffle & the 6th form head-bob every girl perfects the art of literal dancing. Here is an extreme example.


Recently a slightly different take on literalness has been popping up all over the interweb. The A-ha one is my favourite but that's probably because it is the first video I ever remember seeing (and Morten Harket was hot even to a 7 year old) but the the U2 one is funny too.


24 October 2008 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Still ignoring the letters from student loans

I finally began working full-time in September which means this month is the first time in nearly 4 years that I have had a real, grown-up persons wage.

I have celebrated by buying things other than Tesco value beans. Completely gratuitous things that will provide nourishment for neither my brain or body. I'm not at all a girly-girl but the following list of recent purchases might lead you to think otherwise.

1. Benefit bad gal lash mascara
2. Benefit some kind a gorgeous foundation faker
3. Benefit Dallas sunset plum powder blush
4. Gosh Professional art foundation brush
5. Purple party dress (with tutu like underskirt)
6. Black ballet pumps with gold tips
7. Black check ballet pumps
8. Kings of Leon - Only By The Night
9. Jenny Owen Youngs - Batten The Hatches
10. Damien Rice - 9
11. Friendly Fires - Friendly Fires
12. Fresh flowers (because Liam Theroux never buys me flowers - cough,cough)
13. Cheese (the posh kind)
14. Electric toothbrush
15. Pair of green PJ bottoms (too small)
16. Pair of pink PJ bottoms (too big)
17. Pair of blue spotty PJ bottoms (just right)

I think that officially puts an end to my membership of the Young Communists of East Yorkshire. To be honest we were on dicey ground since I spent all that money on  Dynasty memorabilia. Not of the people they said. Emmerdale - that's a different story.

Am a capitalist now? A capitalist with good make up and nightwear that fits? Must remember to sew those special edition Dynasty shoulder-pads into my new pajamas.

20 October 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0)

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  • I want to stand on Kofi Annan's face
  • Johnny 5 is alive
  • Ouch
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  • A one-sided converstion with a 'nice lad'
  • An offer you can easily refuse - but please don't. I have enough crap in my flat.
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